Basics for Marriage | Colossians 3:12-19

Basics for Marriage

Colossians 3:12-19

Introduction

Love is expressed and received differently by individuals.

Five love languages:

Physical Touch

Acts of Service

Words of Affirmation

Gifts

Quality Time

While people have dominant love languages, certain qualities must be present in every relationship, regardless of preference.

TT - Colossians 3:12-17 outlines three pairs of essential relationship qualities.

Transition

Paul provides guidance for healthy relationships in general—marriage, parenting, work relationships—each requiring the same foundational qualities.

ILL - Imagine a beautiful pasture where the hills are rolling, the flowers booming, horses and cattle range. You can almost see yourself running free or sitting with your favorite person enjoying a picnic. But then all of a sudden your in the middle of that beautiful pasture and you start to look around you. Your focus changes. You see the briar patches, you hear the rattle snake, you smell the cow manure, you can’t find a seat because of the fire ants. So often this is like marriage. We have this beautiful view of marriage and then when the difficulties start to show up our focus changes and we get stuck focusing only on the negative things directly in front of us and we forget how beautiful marriage really is!

TT - Colossians 3:12-17 outlines these essential relationship qualities.

Essential Qualities for Any Relationship

1. A Relationship with God is Foundational (v. 12)

Paul begins by addressing believers as God’s chosen people, meaning certain things have changed in their lives. These are described in Colossians 2:12-15

Colossians 2:12–15 (KJV 1900)

12 Buried with him in baptism, wherein also ye are risen with him through the faith of the operation of God, who hath raised him from the dead. 13 And you, being dead in your sins and the uncircumcision of your flesh, hath he quickened together with him, having forgiven you all trespasses; 14 Blotting out the handwriting of ordinances that was against us, which was contrary to us, and took it out of the way, nailing it to his cross; 15 And having spoiled principalities and powers, he made a shew of them openly, triumphing over them in it.

Your relationship with Christ is the foundation of all other relationships.

If your relationship with Christ is weak, no other relationship will be what it should be.

Because of Christ’s love, we are holy and beloved, changing how we relate to others.

2. Three Pairs of Inward Conditions Leading to Outward Demeanors

Paul presents three inward conditions that result in three outward demeanors. We see them in three pairs:

Pair 1: Compassionate Hearts & Kindness (v. 12)

Colossians 3:12 (KJV 1900)

12 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;

Compassionate hearts → Genuine affection and concern for others.

bowels - means the seat of affections and passions;

Mercies - Compassion

Hearts that are passionate and affectionately compassionate

Kindness flows from true compassion, not selfish motives.

Doing something for your spouse as a genuine expression of compassion; an act that flows from the heart that is passionately compassionate.

Kindness is seen in Romans 2:4, where God's kindness leads us to repentance.

True kindness is action-oriented—doing good for others without expecting anything in return.

Kindness is not merely a quality of goodness in the heart. It is expressed in deeds, in grace, in tenderness, and in compassion.

Kindness is a human reflection of the kindness God has shown each of us through His Son Jesus.

Example: God demonstrated His love for us even when we didn’t deserve it (Romans 5:8).

Pair 2: Humility & Meekness (v. 12)

Colossians 3:12 (KJV 1900)

12 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;

Humility – A lowliness of mind, the opposite of pride or false humility.

Meekness – Gentleness; Strength under control, not weakness.

Meekness is primarily directed toward God before it is seen in relationships with others.

Meekness is unfortunately often associated with weakness. Jesus was the best example of meekness, however. He manifested meekness by yielding to the will of the Father and fulfilling the greatest act of eternity. Sure, he had the strength and power to fight back, call twelve legions of angels, and win. Instead, he humbly and meekly laid down his life. This wasn’t weakness. This was strength!

True meekness is not self-assertive or self-seeking.

Cross-reference: Titus 3:2—Believers are called to show humility toward all people.

Titus 3:2 (KJV 1900)

2 To speak evil of no man, to be no brawlers, but gentle, shewing all meekness unto all men.

Pair 3: Patience & Forbearance (v. 13)

Colossians 3:13 (KJV 1900)

13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.

Patience (Long-suffering) – That quality of Self-restraint in the face of opposition or provocation, slow to retaliate; long tempered; GR. - makro - thumos (long-temper)

Ill - It takes a lot to get this kind of person riled up!

Exodus 34:6 describes God as patient and slow to anger.

Exodus 34:6 (KJV 1900)

6 And the Lord passed by before him, and proclaimed, The Lord, The Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth,

Forbearance (Bearing with one another) – Strength to endure and withstand pressure.

The picture here is of someone holding up under the weight rather than giving in.

Forgiveness – Granting grace to others, letting go of resentment.

The root word “chairō” means to bestow favor unconditionally.

Forgiveness is an active choice, not just a feeling.

Don't carry the weight of grudges—release them accompanied with grace and love.

After their marriage had grown cold and distant, Ann recvieved counseling but husband Glenn refused and help.

Is it possible to love one who has cursed you, mistreated you, used you, and expressed feelings of contempt and hate for you?

Luke 6:27–28 (KJV 1900)

27 But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, 28 Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.

Ann agreed that this sounded like her life being described. She agreed for 6 months to try to live out these verses. The end result was a restored marriage. It wasn’t easy and the first several weeks were challenging, but Ann held to her faith and God did a miraculous work!

Conclusion

Relationships thrive when built on these Christlike qualities.

Love is not just about preference or personality but about expressing Christ’s character in our relationships.

Final encouragement: “Never stop forgiving.”

Maybe your in a season like that pasture I described earlier. You’ve seen the beauty of relationship but now you’ve changed your focus and instead of the bigger picture, you’re stuck looking at the ugly in front of you.

Consider your own relationship with Jesus - Is he the foundation of your relationships?

How is your marriage relationship? What about other relationships in your life that God might be speaking to you about?

Is your spouse here with you? Would you grab them by the hand and pray with me? After I pray maybe you and your spouse would come to the altar today and pray for your marriage.